Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
