I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
