The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
