I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
