Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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