mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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