I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
