A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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