He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
