for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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