I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Come share oat with me in your robe
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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