I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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