Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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