Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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