at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
