Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
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