She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
