i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
