i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
