Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
