Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
