once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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