Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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