Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
