Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
