Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
