I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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