I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
