Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
