if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
