Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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