I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
