At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
