I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
try to milk me bitch
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