i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
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