cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
my nose is crying tears of wow.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
