It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
