You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
