Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
