I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
