The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
