I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
