She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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