I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
