Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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