you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
