tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
