Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
