Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
