i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
