My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
