you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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