i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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