I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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