Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
