my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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