Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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