thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
