I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
