I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
