How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
